A piece of myself for the world...

People always seem to say that, "things can only get better from here." I've been trying to tell myself that for a long time now, and things in my life only seem to be getting worse and worse. I am easily at one of the worst points in my entire life. And I know hearing a 21 year old say that sounds so stupid since I've only lived a relatively short time, but it's saying a good bit looking at what my life has been. I was committed to my local mental institution when I was like 16 and was honestly not long from taking my life, I've cut myself multiple times to try to let things out, self punish, and because that was the only language I felt I had left to speak, I've lost 2 children to miscarriage, hold on, that's if those pregnancies were even real or a figment of my ex's psychotic mind, I've had such bad OCD at one point that I didn't eat for almost a week, and at one point I lost almost 40 lbs in 2 months cause I couldn't hold a meal down, and so much more that I don't even care to list. And I can honestly say that at times I think I am so much worse off right now that any other time in my life. Even looking back at when I was so suicidal, I see the problems I had then and can really say at times that I feel that I have it even worse now. My whole life I've put everyone else's life, problems, and happiness before my own. I've always found a way to make things work for everyone else around me, I've pretty much always came through. My family, girlfriends, friends, even total strangers. And now I feel like I really have to move myself to the top of that list, but there is nothing left for myself. I've always been able to "figure it out" for everyone else, find the money, find the right words, be that shoulder to cry on, apply the bandage, fix everyone else's problems and boo boos. But now that I'm finally reaching in that barrel for myself, I'm scrapping the bottom and still coming up empty. I am emotionally bankrupt and numb to the point that sometimes I don't even feel human any more. I'm not the same person I used to be, not one I'm proud of at all, not who I am, and I can't recognize who I've become. I used to be such an emotional, sensitive, and creative person, a hopeless romantic. And now I've watched myself become a numb and bitter person who hasn't cried in well over a year, doesn't read and write, and can't find a single shred of that romantic mush coursing through my body. And just as troubling, somewhere along the way I've lost all of my hopes and dreams. I've always seen myself as going to culinary school, falling in love, getting married, having kids, writing. And I can't see any of it now, don't long for it like I once did. I don't really see myself in culinary school or any other school for that matter now. And I honestly just see myself single potentially forever. I have no direction to my life right now, no hopes, no dreams to guide me. I guess it all just comes to the simple point that I'm almost to the point of just giving up. It's sad, at times the only reason I don't kill myself is that your finances transfer to your next of kin at your time of death, and my parents are barely staying afloat as it is (and both of their health is not doing well). I couldn't put any more on my parent's plate, that's the only reason I've had to not commit suicide. And at times it's so hard not to cut it drives me nuts. Those few times I've cut it was to release so much and because it was really the only language I felt I had at the time sad as it sounds, a sick sort of way to punish myself and make it better all at once. But that razor blade was like someone's first hit of a hard drug that will soon take over their life. It's a constant battle when things start to fall apart around me, a constant urge, need that I have to fight off. And I've been able to not commit the crimson sin in a long time, but it's a struggle, and it's been a difficult one recently as the world seems to continue to crumble around me. When you couple the demons of my past with my terrible circumstances and ungodly luck it's more than I can handle. And more than anything else I just wish I could give up, more than I'd wish for things to get better, I just want things to be over. To stop being so overwhelmed, so depressed, and for the hurting to just stop. And I know that I just have to stay afloat for another month or two somehow and a lot of my stress will subdue, but I don't know if I can't keep my head above water any longer. I look back at where I was in life when I was committed, where I was when I almost took my life and it seems like such an easier place than I'm at now. And yet I'm making it now, barely. My only worry now is how long until it fully catches up to me. How long until I can't take it anymore? How long until I'm at that point again? How long until the rest of me shatters like my dreams and my heart, till I only have is that one option left again? Tick, tock, tick, tock, eventually every clock breaks...

Dreams,
vibrant,
honest,
full of excitement,
brimming with secret desires,
knowing I have them
as my eyes retire each night,
yet as dawn finds me upon the morn,
it's like they were never there at all.

Dreams,
hopeful,
determined,
future in grasp,
lifetime of energy realized,
knowing it's almost in
my grasp as every day renews,
yet now as I'm alone and all is dark,
it's like they were never there at all.

I feel myself spiraling,
plummeting into that darker place,
free falling with no way to stop,
knowing there's no end to the plunge,
seeing the abyss only getting darker,
rushed with familiar emotions not easily forgotten,
hurt, loneliness, misery, depression, disgust,
unhappiness, rejection, betrayal, hopelessness,
each so overwhelming,
devastating in it's own way,
but ironic enough,
each like a blanket of familiarity and comfort,
in some truly sick way,
reverting to what I know and understand,
what is easier to cope with
then this miserable excuse for a life I have,
spiraling into that dark and terrible place.
I pull up my blanket of personal hell,
settling in for an impossibly long night...

It has been so long since I have sat in front of this screen and just poured myself out. My thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, my pain, my problems, my life. I've almost forgot how good it has really always felt, and forgotten how many times I've "talked out" my problems, or poured out until I found how I really felt. So I'm coming back to the haven I kept for so long a few years ago. I've barely been here in the past year. I've posted a handful of times, but mostly I've just popped on here from time to time to check up on an old friend that I dearly miss, just to make sure they're ok. But my life, and me are so different now since I was last pouring myself out here. In fact I'm still trying to find that odd balance between who I was, who I am, and who I'm becoming... but that's a whole nother session all together. But I have a lot of questions ahead of me, and a whole lot of built of creativity, emotion, and ideas that I haven't let myself explore in this way... So I guess I'm here to rededicate myself to my faceless non existant audience that I have long neglected. And wow, I can really tell I haven't done this in forever. Cause it's just not flowing like it once did, and I'm not saying things like I want... but that'll come with time I guess. But why does it matter? No one's here to read this but me. lol.

Tracing over fading scars,
hoping to hell to let it out,
that I'll be whole again,
flesh parting from flesh,
the tale tale trickle starts,
that crimson I've waited for,
been longing for,
blade sinking deeper,
deeper,
deeper,
waiting for the rush of release,
waiting,
waiting,
searing pain,
the cooling trickle as it runs,
the numbing pain still in place,
paralyzing my nearly empty soul,
not finding the remedy so easily,
slowly moving onto other scars
faded long ago...
numbly searching for peace,
for the rest of me,
knowing only molten crimson awaits,
yet still I continue,
the frantic seach for remedy
fruitless as the last,
just like those in the past years,
opening those long forgoten scars,
simply to have this hole in my being,
close and finally scar over itself...
maybe then I'd make it threw just one day...